Dress to impress your perfect guy
When it comes to the subject of love, there is one man who really knows what he’s talking about. “Let’s get it on” said Marvin Gaye, and boy, do we like the sound of his advice. Not necessarily in terms of getting it on with him, he’s a bit dead now, but getting it on in general is very fun indeed.
The problem is, British guys are so unwilling to act. They’re perfectly happy with their Fifa and Dominos ‘two-for-tuesday’ deal; and nothing short of Scarlett Johansson having problems with her sauna settings is going to rouse them out of their sexual stupor.
With this in mind, we decided that enough was enough. There must be a way to grab the attention of these gormless guys using all our sartorial prowess and flirtatious banter. After heaps of research, anecdotal sharing sessions and general pig-headed stereotyping, we have created four very different scenarios for four very different men. The Business Man, The Creative, The Geek and The Muscle are your men of choice. Whether you’re British born and bred or an expat with a penchant for the accent, here’s your certified guide to seducing the man of your dreams. Dress to pull and get it on.
1. THE BUSINESS MAN
WHERE TO SPOT HIM: In a financial district bar post-6pm, most likely on a Thursday. He’ll be surrounded by colleagues, and they will all be looking at their work blackberry emails. He’ll be drinking a posh pint or a scotch.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE’S THE ONE? Check his socks. Mismatched or obviously M&S? Walk on. Colourful wool/cashmere mix? Ding dong.
WHAT TO SAY: Nothing. Buy a whiskey sour and stand by yourself. In less than seven minutes one of his cocky friends will buy you a drink – which is your gateway in.
WHAT NOT TO SAY: What is your annual salary?
WHAT HE’LL SAY IF HE LIKES YOU: Are you Deborah from Marketing?
WHAT TO EXPECT IF ALL GOES TO PLAN: Back-of-cab make out session and ripped tights.
WHAT TO WEAR: All the other working women will be wearing grey, black and monochrome office wear. Make a statement in a bright pink Roksanda Ilincic dress, which oozes high class but will zing into the back of his eyeballs. Stick with safe black accessories, including an important looking Sophie Hulme bag, bulging with files and documents. Smoky eyes, glow-job skin and subtle minty hues for a contrast. He’ll never forget you.
2. THE CREATIVE
WHERE TO SPOT HIM: At a trendy bicycle cafe, mixed-media exhibition, vintage market or underground folk gig.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE’S THE ONE: You’ll see a glimpse of an original Penguin Classics book poking out of his satchel.
WHAT TO SAY: Wanna share an organic scone? / This ’80s unicorn t-shirt would look cute on you. / Have you heard the T-E-E-D remix of this?
WHAT NOT TO SAY: Are those prescription glasses?
WHAT HE’LL SAY IF HE LIKES YOU: Hey girl.
WHAT TO EXPECT IF IT ALL GOES TO PLAN: 6 hours of playlist sharing at his house followed by eye-contact loving.
WHAT TO WEAR: Unfortunately breasts and curves are not fashionable in indie scenes at the moment. Skip the padding and go for a bright and flimsy Stella McCartney bra to poke out of your loose cami and add some thrilling sex appeal to your midi-skirt look. As well as symbolic jewellery, flushed and dewy cheeks and a grunge leather jacket, an absolute must have is a big crochet bag. Stuff it with Planet Organic goods, cultural scarves and maybe a portable synth.
3. THE GEEK
WHERE TO SPOT HIM: In Starbucks on his Mac, in Senate House library or in your office tech department.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE’S THE ONE: He’ll have really good non-novelty headphones.
WHAT TO SAY: You totally remind me of my favourite meme.
WHAT NOT TO SAY: Could you jailbreak my iPhone for me?
WHAT HE’LL SAY IF HE LIKES YOU? Hrrgnggfhdmmmmmm.
WHAT TO EXPECT: An emotionally charged heart-to-heart followed by surprising passion and toast.
WHAT TO WEAR: Nothing too sexy. He will feel overcome by overt breasts and thighs, so keep things casual. Rag & Bone leather trousers will show your chic side, but a striped sweater, thoughtful Charlotte Olympia slippers, a Mulberry satchel bursting with literature and bookish specs will make you ten times more approachable. Save the lace and legs for the third date.
4. THE MUSCLE
WHERE TO SPOT HIM: In an ill-advised SoHo club after an England Euro 2012 football game.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE’S THE ONE: He will physically, and effortlessly, pick you up as a joke.
WHAT TO SAY: Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me, maybe?
WHAT NOT TO SAY: What did you think of the colonial trope in Conrad’s Heart of Darkness?
WHAT HE’LL SAY IF HE LIKES YOU: You look fit in that dress.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Being thrown on a bed/groped on the street in less than 20 minutes.
WHAT TO WEAR: The Muscle is interested in one thing, and one thing only: your body. Why? Because that’s all he is, bless him. Tragically born with more brain cells in his pecks than in his head, he’ll be on the look out for boobs, bums and a Monroe walk. In order to emphasise all these admirable qualities, go for a body-con dress. The scuba-material element of this Lisa Marie Fernandez number is perfect as it clings to your curves even more. With so much flesh on show, it’s important to be perfectly tanned. Make sure there’s plenty of golden glitter to jangle as you totter in your Rupert Sanderson heels. If he forgets to down his WKD when you walk in the room, you’re on to a winner.
- Hannah Slapper